Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Have a Coke and a Smile

Now, I know I don't write too often (if ever?) about having an eating disorder. I like to think that it's because it really just hasn't been an issue in a couple of years. And it's true. It just really hasn't been an issue lately. The last time is was an issue at all was around Dec. of 2007, and it actually wasn't much of an issue at that time. It was more an issue in the "every woman has an eating disorder" sense.

Since Dec. 2007, through much trial and error in learning how to eat intuitively, I have largely returned to my pre-ana (though I can't really remember what that was like, to be honest) way of relating to food. ...With one caveat. There's always one, huh? I still remain scared of coke.

When I google scared of coke I get lots of stuff about people who are scared of kicking a cocaine habit and even quite a few sites about some child that is scared of what happens when you combine mentos and coca-cola.

Perhaps I should reframe. I'm scared of coca-cola, you know soda with calories. Diet coke isn't scary. I mean, I guess it actually is if you think about the crazy stuff that's in it, but eh, I can drink it in moderation, and I feel neither one way or the other about it.

I drank a coke today. It was delish. It reminds me of my childhood because my grandmother always had a ton of it on hand since her family owned a drug-store, you know, the old fashioned kind with an actual soda fountain. Amazing. Does that even exist anymore? I mean, aside from novelty restaurants pretending to be old-timey?

But I digress--it does still bother me a bit. For instance, I often don't order it/drink it even though I want to because in my head coca-cola is bad. However, there is no other item that I categorize as solely good anymore, so how can I keep coca-cola as bad and how can I make it fall into simply the food/drink category--not good or bad, just something to take in as I wish?

There is no way this can happen through avoiding coca-cola. In the same way that I have not become good at speaking to other people by staying at home on the couch, I cannot become comfortable with drinking coca-cola if I avoid it.

I also know that I cannot have opinions on food/drink. When I form opinions on food/drink or when I try to monitor what I eat, I always focus on cutting back and cutting out. If I remain scared of coke, next I will be scared of another food and then another... Years of trial and error has taught me this. The next time I want to have a coke, I will. And I think if I do this over and over again I will eventually be comfortable with it.

One more thing--I know I won't overdo it because I practice intuitive eating. When I want the coke, I'll drink it. When I feel as though I've had enough, I'll stop drinking it. I can trust my body to let me know when I've had enough. It is far wiser than I am about these things...obviously--I was anorexic for a long time after all.

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