Saturday, October 30, 2010

Here's My Confession

Meditating has been falling by the wayside. (Note: what is the wayside?) As in, I haven't been doing it everyday! I just kinda gradually stopped. I had been doing it everyday for well over a year, too. It's weird how that can just fall off. No conscious decision was made on my part, either.

Soooo, I will be meditating today and tomorrow and the next day. I'm recommitting myself to getting back on the path because I can REALLY tell a difference.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Well, failed on the posting everyday thing this week. It's tough. The days just pass by so quickly with work and going to the gym and trying to keep the house together. And all that time I need to devote to Law and Order...not to mention my midterm that's due on Nov. 2nd. Remind me again why I'm taking a class?

In all seriousness, taking this class has been good for me. It's shown me that I have no interest whatsoever in purely solitary academic pursuits. I need people and real-life results.

Monday, October 25, 2010


I can't really stress how important it is for me, as a woman, to feel that it's important that I exist, to feel that my place in the world is necessary. I used to rise up constantly and beat back against a world that so vehemently seemed against me. (Dramatic much? Well, I was a teenager.)

Then I got sick. I feel like I say this a lot as an explanation for my behavior, but it really isn't my sickness that put a stop to my strength. My strength had suffered blows before. My sickness was the final straw.

I built my strength up again; finally, four years after near death, I began taking zoloft and going to therapy regularly. I was working and I finally could afford it. I realize that my own power to earn a living wage, in addition to my power to admit that I needed help, led me to facilitate this. (My parents don't believe in therapy or SSRIs, though my Dad does regularly crush up SSRIs in my mom's drinks...or he did when I was a kid, but that's a story for a whole 'nother time, though I suppose it did teach me that women weren't to be trusted to make decisions about their own bodies or feelings.)

Then I lost my strength again. I thought I was strong. I felt strong. I was strong. I was meditating every day and I found joy in my job and my place in the world. I was smiling! I stopped taking zoloft. Slowly I began to fade, began to have nightmares again, began to be fearful of living, while simultaneously fearful of dying. It was confusing to say the least, and all I had done was stop taking this tiny pill.

I have been back on the pill for 8 months now, and I am starting to feel like I did when I decided to go off of it. I feel strong, capable and aware of my own strength, my own abilities, no matter how big or small they may be. I have goals and dreams. It's a beautiful thing.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I went to spinning tonight! It was awesome. I biked there and back (just .75 miles away). I was pretty nervous about doing this, but knew that if I just took it one step at a time I could do it. I didn't crash my bike. (Which happened earlier this year when I was pretty unfocused on the present moment and collided with some crazy trolley tracks...) I went slow and steady and, uh, I won the race? Yeah, I did!

Friday, October 22, 2010

A Success!

I did it! I went to the gym last night for TBC. That would be Total Body Conditioning. It was so fun! I love classes. And I had some crackers and cottage cheese beforehand so I felt great. I also chatted with people before class started. It's easy to chat with people in a class you've never been to before. Just ask what equipment you need! So, I feel very proud and energized and strong. I'm always afraid exercise will run me down, but I'm feeling great.

Tonight we're going out with friends, but if I am able to get enough sleep I'm thinking about going to spinning at 11 a.m. My goal is to go to the gym to take a class 3 times a week. It's so much more fun and energizing than to go on the machines!!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Afraid to Fail

After being so sick and a lifetime of emotional abuse, I just had a breakthrough. I'm afraid to fail. This has gotten better, but it still sets me back in a lot of areas. The best example I can think of is the gym. Ever since I graduated from college I have just stopped going. I'm scared of passing out. I'm scared of having to make myself more food (that's good fuel, not chips, etc.) because I feel like I can't handle it. Seriously. It's ridic. I'm trying to get over this hurdle. I think the best thing for me to do is to take everything (especially scary things) one step at a time. Literally.
This guy (Chris Spealler) is giving me inspiration right now--note the sweet tattoo. (It says "I am not ashamed to fail.") Very inspirational for me in the sense that it shows that being afraid of failing is something everyone struggles with.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I feel as though I sound like a 16 year old in my previous post. Sorry for that. I am, indeed, 10 years older. I was so upset, which probably goes without saying. I feel very rejected by my mom, and it's tough. Sometimes it's tougher than others.

I need to not let her behavior (and my dad's) hold me back. I need to continue to really work hard and rise above it. It's tough to know how to do that when I was raised in such a dysfunctional environment. If your caretakers can't take care of each other/themselves, how are they supposed to teach you to care for yourself? If your caretakers reject you, how are you supposed to accept yourself?

I wish everyone who was seriously contemplating being a parent was magically infertile until *boom* they could care for themselves well. When setting out to become a parent, it's not imperative to have all the answers to life. That's impossible. But it is important to have the basics down, to know who you are, to be secure with yourself and your place in the world, to be secure in your relationship with your significant other and yourself.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Too upset to explain.
How can my mom fwd mail
To my address from 3 years ago?
Not realize for a week
Blame me when it doesn't arrive
Only to put two and two together
So symbolic of her disdain
Her distance
Her disaster

The lack of mail is no bother.
The lack of knowledge
And/or interest in my basic existence is.

Friday, October 15, 2010

SAHW for 1.5 Days

It's a bit of a long story, but I took yesterday and today off from work. Since we're not going out of town until this afternoon that has equaled a lot of free time around the house, which I have really loved. Yesterday I began my day by making us breakfast (which is how I usually begin my day, but since I knew I didn't have to rush off to work it was quite lovely). Then I laid around for a bit watching tv and reading and surfing online (do people still say surf when referring to the internet?).

Then the day got interesting. Or, interesting to me, rather. I roasted a butternut squash. I swept the floors. I did a load of laundry (just towels, pillow cases, and undies). I made butternut squash, goat cheese, and black bean quesadillas for lunch. I showered. I went to CVS. I took a walk and got a cup of tea at Satellite where I read "Paris to the Moon" for an hour before heading to my acupuncture appointment. Then I walked home and proceeded to drive to Target to stock up on Coke Zero for Liz (and myself...I drink them too. I just refer to it as Liz's thing). Then I went to therapy and came home to make black bean soup and watch 30 Rock with Liz and Law and Order by myself. Love.

While it sounds like I did a lot, I actually had a ton of time for breaks in between all that doing. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have to go to your 9-5.

Now I'm home again today. Liz is at school taking exams and will be home between 1 and 2. I'm gonna head to yoga at 10. And I need to grab some 1 quart plastic baggies to hold my liquids since we're flying to Boston.

My point is that I think I'd be pretty bored for the rest of the day if we weren't heading to Boston. If we had a baby working less and staying home more would be helpful, but just being at home to take care of the house and Liz would get boring. Our apartment is pretty small, and once I'm caught up with cleaning there's not a ton to do. I can only watch so much Law and Order and 30 Rock is only on once a week. As much as I find that my job is sometimes boring, I need it. I need the stability and order it provides for me. I'm writing that here so I remember.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


I am renewing by commitment to post here daily. Why daily? If not daily then I won't post at all. I've tried the 3 days a week thing, the every other day thing, the once a week thing and it just did not work. So now it's daily. We'll see.

As an aside, can I just say how many spelling errors I would have in emails, etc. if it weren't for spell check? I mean, seriously. I've seen all the anti-spell check propaganda. For instance:

"I would like to apply fore a job as an editor of your paper. I halve a computer, and it has spellcheck, and it wood seam that this is awl I really knead." For the rest of this letter, click here.

However, I have common sense. The above person obviously does not. Or is just to busy to read over his/her work...errr, the work of spell check to make sure it's okay before sending in the job app.

Tangent aside, where were we? Ah, yes. Daily. Well, today I will say that I have really been not so great at meditating lately. I've just let it kinda slide so I can focus on cooking dinner, and, let me not lie, reading online and watching tv. A bit lame of me. But I am committing to meditate today. I have the day off work and all the time in the world. Should be good.