SAHW for 1.5 Days

It's a bit of a long story, but I took yesterday and today off from work. Since we're not going out of town until this afternoon that has equaled a lot of free time around the house, which I have really loved. Yesterday I began my day by making us breakfast (which is how I usually begin my day, but since I knew I didn't have to rush off to work it was quite lovely). Then I laid around for a bit watching tv and reading and surfing online (do people still say surf when referring to the internet?).

Then the day got interesting. Or, interesting to me, rather. I roasted a butternut squash. I swept the floors. I did a load of laundry (just towels, pillow cases, and undies). I made butternut squash, goat cheese, and black bean quesadillas for lunch. I showered. I went to CVS. I took a walk and got a cup of tea at Satellite where I read "Paris to the Moon" for an hour before heading to my acupuncture appointment. Then I walked home and proceeded to drive to Target to stock up on Coke Zero for Liz (and myself...I drink them too. I just refer to it as Liz's thing). Then I went to therapy and came home to make black bean soup and watch 30 Rock with Liz and Law and Order by myself. Love.

While it sounds like I did a lot, I actually had a ton of time for breaks in between all that doing. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't have to go to your 9-5.

Now I'm home again today. Liz is at school taking exams and will be home between 1 and 2. I'm gonna head to yoga at 10. And I need to grab some 1 quart plastic baggies to hold my liquids since we're flying to Boston.

My point is that I think I'd be pretty bored for the rest of the day if we weren't heading to Boston. If we had a baby working less and staying home more would be helpful, but just being at home to take care of the house and Liz would get boring. Our apartment is pretty small, and once I'm caught up with cleaning there's not a ton to do. I can only watch so much Law and Order and 30 Rock is only on once a week. As much as I find that my job is sometimes boring, I need it. I need the stability and order it provides for me. I'm writing that here so I remember.

more.now.again.

How do you keep mindfulness alive during particularly boring bouts at work?

I'm a tad bit at a loss on this one. I've tried deep breaths and re-focusing on reading materials that I don't really have to read but could read for work. In the end I just keep going back to reading things online and it makes me feel a little bit like I'm slowly going crazy. By reading random things online, visiting the same blogs over and over again I'm trying to do the opposite of mindfulness. I'm trying to escape from the present moment, from the reality of my situation, and at first it sounds like fun. Or like, oh, well, I just catch up on some gossip or news or whatever during this downtime, but it quickly spirals into nothingness and makes me feel crazy.

Should I just accept the random internet stuff as wanderings of my mind the same way that I accept the thoughts that pop up during meditation. Should I, as I do with thoughts during meditation, gently x-out of the web browser when it's obvious that I'm just aimlessly clicking away. This would follow the same idea as gently ignoring thoughts during meditation by saying "thinking" silently to myself and re-focusing on meditating. Could I do that at work? Could I say "mindlessly clicking" to myself and re-focus on my work or something else that is meaningful, such as writing for my blog or reading academic works online. I honestly don't even know if reading articles of a more academic nature would be any better. There's something about the glare of the computer screen that makes me feel crazy. Now, if I'm typing I feel fine.

Another Zoloft Update

I've been having a rough time of it. Well, actually, I've been having a rough time of it starting yesterday at 11:48 am. Oh, office politics. I know it will be funny one day that you sometimes/most of the time make me cry.

So, at 8:40 am, while I was walking to work, I decided to set an intention for today: I will try my hardest to see and speak to each person I come in contact with not as I preconceive them to be, but as they actually are in that moment. Updates to follow throughout the day.

11:30 am--so far so good. I find that this intention allows me to be much more mindful during my interactions with others. This has led to more mindfulness overall, and is positively effecting my work.

1:00 pm--had a nice, thoughtful interchange with the cashier at Barnes and Noble.

1:10 pm--another thoughtful interchange with the receptionist downstairs.

2:00 pm--was able to joke successfully(!) with my boss

3:00 pm--am losing motivation. all my tasks are done (and i mean ALL my tasks). would like to please go home now.

3:30 pm--it's only been 30 minutes?

And my motivation pretty much stayed at this point until I got home and proceeded to meditate and then sob. I went through lots of "I'm not sure if I can stay off Zoloft moments," I talked it out with Liz, and then I felt so much better. SO much better. It was ridiculous. Like I just needed a friend to talk to...not a co-worker. I think that was what was so great about being a VISTA--my co-workers were truly my friends, too. We were comrades, a team.

I have also just been very, very weepy lately. When I first stopped taking Zoloft I wasn't weepy at all, but I was dealing with anxiety. My anxiety is very much under control through meditation right now. I just get weepy. I cannot watch the Today show without crying. Don't even get me started on Law and Order!...or Hallmark commercials. I pretty much have to leave the room for those.

Speaking of office politics (which I did in my intro), they are tough here. A huge silver lining is that the people I work closest with are very, very nice and helpful. I still miss being an Americorps* VISTA. Best job ever, hands down.


I have to say, setting my intention for the day and really focusing on it was awesome! I really felt it helped me to connect with other people, which I see as one of the main points of life.

Haiku Tuesday

Tuesday Morning Haiku

Inside sad hardwood
Outside fresh air crisps my skin
I smile to myself

I miss my VISTAs. Don't get me wrong, I love my new job. But I really miss working with friends. Because we weren't paid by the organization we worked at, the VISTAs and I became actual friends, not work-friends. It was so awesome, and probably a completely unique experience. I should hopefully be getting to see some of them this weekend because another VISTA is running a marathon(!!!) and some of us are going to go to cheer him on. I'm psyched about that. You know you like people when you'll do something at 9AM on Sunday for them.

But back to my new job. I like it a lot. It's pretty amazing, and there are really nice people here. I just miss the VISTAs. I also realize that the VISTA work-environment is not a normal work environment. I mean, we watched The Office and Lost and gossiped and went on afternoon excursions to Goodwill. We also got a lot of work done, but, still...

It's now Tuesday afternoon. The sadness I felt this morning is far away.

I took my last Zoloft this morning. I'm kinda shocked. I could never have gotten to this point without meditation, Liz, acupuncture and Buddhism. My rocks? I think I also need to credit myself. I found things that worked for me and I stuck with them. Sometimes it was really hard to stick with meditation. I remember the first week of my Mindfulness Meditation class. I cried a lot. Before the meditation could work and begin calming me it made me very emotional. Keep in mind I was taking Zoloft that whole time, which brings up the point that I need to remember that when I was taking Zoloft I did not feel happy, happy, happy all of the time. There were peaks and valleys as wells as plains.

Tuesday Afternoon Haiku

Dripping through the day

Sun coffee, smiles, words, work, paper

They fade? Breathe to sunset.

Settling In

I think part of why I had a somewhat overwhelming first week at my new job is because I'm worried what my boss will think of me. He's an awesome boss and really laid back and funny, but I still get nervous.

I gave this subject a lot of thought over the weekend and today, and I've come to some conclusions: 1. Yes, I am most definitely worried what my boss thinks about me/that he will judge me, 2. What if he decides that even though I do my job well, he doesn't like my personal views, and 3. Why should I be worried about any of this? As long as I'm doing my best at work, it's pretty out of my hands.

I know it's pretty typical to be concerned with what your boss thinks of you, and I'm definitely still concerned with what he thinks of my ability to do my job. That's not going to change. But when he asks questions to find out more about what I did before a week ago, well, I shouldn't get nervous. But I do. I stammer over my words in hopes of searching for something I know will adequately meet whatever requirements he might have. He is my boss. It is my job to be professional and do a great job at work, but it's not my job to say everything I can say to please him 100%.

I also need to be mindful that we're coming to this organization from very different backgrounds. I believe he's mostly done corporate-ish work previously, and I know he still owns a for-profit company with his wife. I know he's probably working in the non-profit sector (and on this project, even) for entirely different reasons than I am, and I need to be respectful of that.

We're supposed to have lunch one day this week, and my goal is to take my time, carefully say what I want/mean to say, and breathe.

"Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." -Pema Chodron

(Also, in other news, I did check out the meditation center at lunch today, and it was fantastic!)

Re-Cap of my First Week at Work

I can't believe I haven't posted since Tuesday. I've been pretty exhausted at night this week, though since it was my first week of my new job. And since I'm much busier than I was at VISTA, I can't really write posts at work. But the new job is good. I'm learning the ropes (quickly! but there are a lot of ropes to learn...). I must admit, I felt pretty overwhelmed and even anxious many times during the past week. The one thing that really got me through it was meditation and mindfulness--1. knowing I could come home and meditate or meditate before work to prepare for the day and 2. meditation and mindfulness in the form of making it a point to take deep breaths throughout the day and focus on being solely in the present.

I've also learned that there's a meditation room where I work (it's a large university) and it's open to staff! So, I think I'm definitely going to check that out during my lunch break on Monday, and I'm guessing it will become a regular thing for me.

I have a lot to say about cutting my Zoloft dose in half again, but I'm going to save that for the next post since it's 30 past noon, and Liz and I are both hungry. It's time for me to get in the kitchen!

Reflecting on VISTA

I'm sitting on the couch drinking some coffee before getting ready for my last day as a VISTA. It's been a wonderful, wonderful experience. I have learned and grown so much during this past year (err, 11 1/4 months). Seriously, I feel like a took a huge leap of faith when I became a VISTA. I wasn't sure at all how it would work out. I just knew that it felt right to me, and my previous place of employment didn't feel right at all.

I didn't just jump into it though. I did a lot of soul-searching before deciding to be a VISTA. Even after being offerred the position I didn't accept right away. Instead I said I had to think it over and talk it out with Liz before giving my answer. We went over our budget a couple times to make sure it was okay. It was so good to think things out and to confirm with myself (and Liz) that this was really the right thing to do for me. And in doing this right thing for myself, I feel like I've really been able to be a better partner for Liz and a kinder person to everyone with whom I come into contact. I really believe that if you take the best care of yourself that you can, you are that much better equipped to serve others and be kind and compassionate towards others. It's kinda a win-win situation--I just love those!

Dealing with Change

Well, I am now positive that I did get the job I've been excitedly wondering and worrying about for a while now! I gave my two weeks notice on Monday, and it's a little bittersweet. I am torn over being excited about this new job and feeling sad about having to end my VISTA year a few weeks early, something I never anticipated doing. It's funny where life takes us, or where we take ourselves.

I've been utilizing meditation a lot lately to deal with my sad feelings about ending my VISTA year early. I wasn't nervous about telling my supervisors, but then after I did meet with them and I told some of my co-workers I felt pretty sad. Like, tears were welling up in my eyes. I don't know if that's because I'm weaning off Zoloft or what, but tears don't usually come to me at work. So I took deep breaths that morning, lots of deep breaths. And I meditated as soon as I got home and I also took extra care to be mindful of each task as I performed it. It helped. It definitely helped. I did not have a full blow anxiety attack or even a minor one!

Three Posts in One

I just called out sick from work. I've come down with yet another sinus infection; however, this has been the first in a while, which is a big improvement. You see, after I got very sick my freshman year of college (respiratory failure, coma for a month, etc.) I found that I got sick much, much easier than before. Namely, it's sinus infections, but I'm always just a tad concerned that they'll spread to my chest. So I'm home today, and this sickness is also why I haven't posted since Monday.

Also, the job I posted about earlier, the one I was sure I had gotten. Well, now I am not so sure. I received an email late last Friday night that said "We are very interested in having you join our team." Sounds good, no? Then I got another early this week saying that I, along with the other applicants, need to come by an sign my official application for the job. Other applicants? Does that mean I don't have the job? I am so confused! Beyond confused, really.

I've also realized that reading just a little bit of a spiritual book each day really helps with my anxiety. For instance, lately I've been picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle or "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das and have found it to be infinitely helpful. It's kinda like how all the very devout Evangelical Christians I grew up around would do daily Bible devotionals. Perhaps I've taken a page from them.

What Will the Future Hold?

I had a job interview today because VISTA is winding down and I need to think of something to do when it's over. I'd like that specific something to be focused in the social services. I think the interview went pretty well. I have my fingers crossed super tight right now, so tight that they're maybe not even crossed. The Director is interviewing 3 other people, and I should know by Friday or Monday at the latest.

I've definitely noticed that I've had more anxiety today because of the interview. Having a job interview just causes me to always get a million times too excited about the future, to the point where I almost cannot focus on the present. In fact, after my first post-college job interview (2.5 years ago) my anxiety was so high that I felt like I could barely breathe. I definitely don't feel like that today, and right now I am so thankful for that.