I Am Me and That's Okay

I woke up this morning feeling a little guilty. You see, the previous night I went out with my old, fabulous co-workers for happy hour. We drank a lot of margaritas and then parted ways around 8:30. I then proceeded to go to a party where I was definitely the most drunk...okay, maybe not the most drunk, but the most drunk-acting. See, put a couple of drinks in me, and I'm outgoing, giggly, silly. I woke up this morning worried that maybe I had been too outgoing, giggly, silly, etc. But after a couple of seconds of worrying about this, I realized that this is me. This is how I get after a drink or two. Okay, confession: I even get that way after a particularly strong dose of caffeine. It's just in my personality to be silly. And that is okay. It's who I am. Besides, if I need to rationalize, I can always point to the fact that there were people at the party who were arguably demonstrating much worse behavior than me. :)

New Years Resolutions

Normally I don't make any New Years Resolutions at all. I think it's kind of a silly tradition, but I do love the idea of starting out fresh. So I figure I might as well jump on the bandwagon. For 2010 I resolve to:

1. Look at the PW or the City Paper and pick activities to do on the weekend even if I have to do them alone. I want to sit around the house less on the weekend.
2. Strengthen relationships with friends I have and make new friends. This one could be difficult for me since I am still feel like I'm re-learning how to make/strengthen friendships.
3. Make my lunch 4/5 days a week. And not just any lunch--a good lunch that will cover snack times as well.
4. Write for 30 minutes a day. I think I make this promise to myself pretty often, but maybe this time it will stick.

Aside from resolutions, I've been feeling pretty anxious since I got back home. I think I'm just needing time to settle in. I have acupuncture today for the first time in a long while! Yay!

Another Zoloft Update

I've been having a rough time of it. Well, actually, I've been having a rough time of it starting yesterday at 11:48 am. Oh, office politics. I know it will be funny one day that you sometimes/most of the time make me cry.

So, at 8:40 am, while I was walking to work, I decided to set an intention for today: I will try my hardest to see and speak to each person I come in contact with not as I preconceive them to be, but as they actually are in that moment. Updates to follow throughout the day.

11:30 am--so far so good. I find that this intention allows me to be much more mindful during my interactions with others. This has led to more mindfulness overall, and is positively effecting my work.

1:00 pm--had a nice, thoughtful interchange with the cashier at Barnes and Noble.

1:10 pm--another thoughtful interchange with the receptionist downstairs.

2:00 pm--was able to joke successfully(!) with my boss

3:00 pm--am losing motivation. all my tasks are done (and i mean ALL my tasks). would like to please go home now.

3:30 pm--it's only been 30 minutes?

And my motivation pretty much stayed at this point until I got home and proceeded to meditate and then sob. I went through lots of "I'm not sure if I can stay off Zoloft moments," I talked it out with Liz, and then I felt so much better. SO much better. It was ridiculous. Like I just needed a friend to talk to...not a co-worker. I think that was what was so great about being a VISTA--my co-workers were truly my friends, too. We were comrades, a team.

I have also just been very, very weepy lately. When I first stopped taking Zoloft I wasn't weepy at all, but I was dealing with anxiety. My anxiety is very much under control through meditation right now. I just get weepy. I cannot watch the Today show without crying. Don't even get me started on Law and Order!...or Hallmark commercials. I pretty much have to leave the room for those.

Speaking of office politics (which I did in my intro), they are tough here. A huge silver lining is that the people I work closest with are very, very nice and helpful. I still miss being an Americorps* VISTA. Best job ever, hands down.


I have to say, setting my intention for the day and really focusing on it was awesome! I really felt it helped me to connect with other people, which I see as one of the main points of life.

A Very Cool Site

Check it outtttt:

Realizing Me

I was going to go to free yoga at lululemon this morning, but I think I'm just gonna stay in my neighborhood and be lazy instead. Is this a good idea? I don't know. Am I just avoiding going out? I don't really think so. I think I can be satisfied doing some yoga at home and then (FINALLY) attacking the entire pile of laundry that's been amassing. I've been chipping it down little by little, but, as we share a washer and dryer with all the tenants in our house, I think it's best that I just head over to the laundromat after I do some yoga. I can read in between washing and drying. That's the best.

I also have acupuncture this afternoon, and if I don't skip lululemon yoga to do laundry, there's no chance it'll get done. I don't want to go to the laundromat super late on a Sunday night. And if I'm really honest with myself, I'll admit that there's probably no way I'll actually go late at night. It's just not my style.

Speaking of not my style, Liz and I went to a Halloween Party on Friday night. I found an amazing dress at the Goodwill! Red velvet, puffed at the shoulder long sleeves...and I was a zombie from the Victorian era. It was a fab costume. The party, however, was much less than fabulous. The group of friends I went with all realized that we were the youngest people there by quite a bit, and I realized that I.Am.Old. I am not into drinking glasses of vodka with a splash of juice. I'm just not, and it's fine that other people are into that, but it's just not me.

So that was a bit of a bummer, and it made me worry that I'm not good enough at making friends because I can't just mold myself to be whatever anyone else is at the current moment. After a bit of that, I realized that if I just keep checking in with myself and asking myself what I want I will be able to make friends that like the real, authentic me. One good thing did come out of going to the party, though: I got to see other friends who left with us because the party wasn't their cup of tea either, and it was good to catch up with them after the long work-week.

Some quotes that apply to this post:

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." -Raymond Hull

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." -e. e. cummings

...and my very favorite:

"Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, a loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -Shakti Gawain