Okay With Less Than Pefect

Gah, I feel like it's been so long since I've written here that I almost should just stop writing. I do that. I start a project that's not connected to school/work in any way and then I stop it when I feel I'm not doing it perfectly because there's no one holding me accountable. I used to really get mad at myself for this, but I think now I realize that it's just a personality trait. So. I'm going to keep writing even though I don't feel this blog is perfect.

It snowed 28.5" here in Philadelphia! Today everyone is digging out from it. Yesterday I went on a glorious 5 mile walk (crazy, I know, but I love to walk and Liz is studying non stop for tests) in the snow. I meandered all the way from our apartment down to Rittenhouse Square and back. My original plan was to stop for tea at Barnes & Noble in Rittenhouse, but it was CLOSED! In fact, most things were closed. No Starbucks or any other coffee/tea places I passed were open! I ended up stopping right next to our apartment when I got back to get a Raspberry Rooibos tea. It was delish and definitely much yummier than B&N tea or Starbucks.

I'm headed to acupuncture in about an hour. Should be good! I haven't been in two weeks, and I had a kinda bad week last week so maybe that's why?? I don't know. I also went to Power Vinyassa again after a very bad day, and it did make me feel better!

My favorite picture from my walk:

The Holiday Hurry Scurry

It seems like these posts are getting further and further apart. I guess the holiday season will do that to you. For instance right now I'm baking 6 dozen cookies for a cookie exchange at work. This means I will end up with 6 dozen cookies total, and each dozen will be a different kind of cookie. I'm making snickerdoodles:

And, yes, my kitchen really is that small!! And, honestly, it doesn't bother me one bit. But my relatives do seem to think it's funny. For example, when Marsha was here she made my best friend stand in the kitchen with her arms spread apart to show how small it is. But it works. It totally works, and I even like it!

Our apartment, like the kitchen, is also very small. But we do have a tree, though it may be a table-top one:

...and some other decorations, too:

In other news, I spent the weekend with Liz's family, and she has this one uncle that is obsessed with money. He's probably a mid-level salesman and does pretty well, but he is just obsessed with reading about billionaires and what they buy, etc. etc. Anyway, it drives me crazy. It really does. We were sitting around talking and he mentioned this part of Florida he had recently been to and I said that I had gone to the neighboring island when I was a really little, and his response was, "Oh, that's a poor man's version of the place I'm talking about."

My first reaction was to be furious, and I was very angry for at least 24 hours. Then I got to thinking and decided to just rationally look at his statement. It helped a bit. Also, maybe he's so focused on money because he's insecure about something? Or??? I don't know, but I'm sure there's a reason, and I came to the conclusion that the comment he made wasn't about me. It was a flippant remark, and it tried my patience and my mindfulness, but it also taught me something about myself.

It taught me that I need to work on being mindful of where other people are coming from and not just seeing reactions based on the immediacy of what someone says/does. Often times there's way more behind what someone does/says that you can ever realize at first glance.

Another Zoloft Update

I've been having a rough time of it. Well, actually, I've been having a rough time of it starting yesterday at 11:48 am. Oh, office politics. I know it will be funny one day that you sometimes/most of the time make me cry.

So, at 8:40 am, while I was walking to work, I decided to set an intention for today: I will try my hardest to see and speak to each person I come in contact with not as I preconceive them to be, but as they actually are in that moment. Updates to follow throughout the day.

11:30 am--so far so good. I find that this intention allows me to be much more mindful during my interactions with others. This has led to more mindfulness overall, and is positively effecting my work.

1:00 pm--had a nice, thoughtful interchange with the cashier at Barnes and Noble.

1:10 pm--another thoughtful interchange with the receptionist downstairs.

2:00 pm--was able to joke successfully(!) with my boss

3:00 pm--am losing motivation. all my tasks are done (and i mean ALL my tasks). would like to please go home now.

3:30 pm--it's only been 30 minutes?

And my motivation pretty much stayed at this point until I got home and proceeded to meditate and then sob. I went through lots of "I'm not sure if I can stay off Zoloft moments," I talked it out with Liz, and then I felt so much better. SO much better. It was ridiculous. Like I just needed a friend to talk to...not a co-worker. I think that was what was so great about being a VISTA--my co-workers were truly my friends, too. We were comrades, a team.

I have also just been very, very weepy lately. When I first stopped taking Zoloft I wasn't weepy at all, but I was dealing with anxiety. My anxiety is very much under control through meditation right now. I just get weepy. I cannot watch the Today show without crying. Don't even get me started on Law and Order!...or Hallmark commercials. I pretty much have to leave the room for those.

Speaking of office politics (which I did in my intro), they are tough here. A huge silver lining is that the people I work closest with are very, very nice and helpful. I still miss being an Americorps* VISTA. Best job ever, hands down.


I have to say, setting my intention for the day and really focusing on it was awesome! I really felt it helped me to connect with other people, which I see as one of the main points of life.

Settling In

I think part of why I had a somewhat overwhelming first week at my new job is because I'm worried what my boss will think of me. He's an awesome boss and really laid back and funny, but I still get nervous.

I gave this subject a lot of thought over the weekend and today, and I've come to some conclusions: 1. Yes, I am most definitely worried what my boss thinks about me/that he will judge me, 2. What if he decides that even though I do my job well, he doesn't like my personal views, and 3. Why should I be worried about any of this? As long as I'm doing my best at work, it's pretty out of my hands.

I know it's pretty typical to be concerned with what your boss thinks of you, and I'm definitely still concerned with what he thinks of my ability to do my job. That's not going to change. But when he asks questions to find out more about what I did before a week ago, well, I shouldn't get nervous. But I do. I stammer over my words in hopes of searching for something I know will adequately meet whatever requirements he might have. He is my boss. It is my job to be professional and do a great job at work, but it's not my job to say everything I can say to please him 100%.

I also need to be mindful that we're coming to this organization from very different backgrounds. I believe he's mostly done corporate-ish work previously, and I know he still owns a for-profit company with his wife. I know he's probably working in the non-profit sector (and on this project, even) for entirely different reasons than I am, and I need to be respectful of that.

We're supposed to have lunch one day this week, and my goal is to take my time, carefully say what I want/mean to say, and breathe.

"Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity." -Pema Chodron

(Also, in other news, I did check out the meditation center at lunch today, and it was fantastic!)

Compassion

I'm tired so I'll expand on this later, but one of my goals for a while now has been to be compassionate towards all people/things. I think this will be a life-long goal, one that I'm continuously working on because I can't see where I could ever really reach a point where I'm able to say, "okay, done. I am compassionate."

I think compassion is more a thing we must continually work on and commit to. I also think that concern for others has the added bonus of reducing anxiety. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I think it has something to do with getting your mind off of "I, I, I". However, I'm not advocating self-denial, but more of a middle ground, a take care of yourself and your needs so you can better take care of others policy.

"All the happiness there is in this world comes from thinking about others, and all the suffering comes from preoccupation with yourself." --Shantideva