I Am Me and That's Okay

I woke up this morning feeling a little guilty. You see, the previous night I went out with my old, fabulous co-workers for happy hour. We drank a lot of margaritas and then parted ways around 8:30. I then proceeded to go to a party where I was definitely the most drunk...okay, maybe not the most drunk, but the most drunk-acting. See, put a couple of drinks in me, and I'm outgoing, giggly, silly. I woke up this morning worried that maybe I had been too outgoing, giggly, silly, etc. But after a couple of seconds of worrying about this, I realized that this is me. This is how I get after a drink or two. Okay, confession: I even get that way after a particularly strong dose of caffeine. It's just in my personality to be silly. And that is okay. It's who I am. Besides, if I need to rationalize, I can always point to the fact that there were people at the party who were arguably demonstrating much worse behavior than me. :)

Hanging on

Annnnd....I'm done. I need the weekend to catch up and rejuvenate. I'm exhausted from 3 weeks of lots of weekend activity. I feel a little lost right now. I feel like everything is swirling around me out of control.

Between now and Friday I simply have to go to work, meditate, work out tonight, acupuncture (yeah!!!) tomorrow and that's all. Maybe I'll yoga on Friday night.

Saturday I am babysitting and Sunday I'm going to try to go to yoga for free at Lululemon. It helps to write it all down.

Oh and I'm reading Portia de Rossi's book. Review to come. It's very insightful.

A Success!

I did it! I went to the gym last night for TBC. That would be Total Body Conditioning. It was so fun! I love classes. And I had some crackers and cottage cheese beforehand so I felt great. I also chatted with people before class started. It's easy to chat with people in a class you've never been to before. Just ask what equipment you need! So, I feel very proud and energized and strong. I'm always afraid exercise will run me down, but I'm feeling great.

Tonight we're going out with friends, but if I am able to get enough sleep I'm thinking about going to spinning at 11 a.m. My goal is to go to the gym to take a class 3 times a week. It's so much more fun and energizing than to go on the machines!!!

Afraid to Fail

After being so sick and a lifetime of emotional abuse, I just had a breakthrough. I'm afraid to fail. This has gotten better, but it still sets me back in a lot of areas. The best example I can think of is the gym. Ever since I graduated from college I have just stopped going. I'm scared of passing out. I'm scared of having to make myself more food (that's good fuel, not chips, etc.) because I feel like I can't handle it. Seriously. It's ridic. I'm trying to get over this hurdle. I think the best thing for me to do is to take everything (especially scary things) one step at a time. Literally.

This guy (Chris Spealler) is giving me inspiration right now--note the sweet tattoo. (It says "I am not ashamed to fail.") Very inspirational for me in the sense that it shows that being afraid of failing is something everyone struggles with.

You Tell Me

Remember when I talked about my "Just Do It" philosophy? Well, I totally fell off that wagon today. I live in Philadelphia and we got a crazy blizzard. As in a for real blizzard. I'd never even seen one of those before. It's actually still going on. Crazy. Because of the blizzard I got a for real snow day. I'd seen one of those before, but not in a long while. So I was home all day and did not meditate until 5:30 p.m. even though I was feeling anxious since mid-morning. What gives?

Spending Free Time

Wow, it's been a while since I posted...

Anyway, today has been pretty darn boring, but I do have a whole topic that I want to talk about: the internet!

See, I think sometimes I mightmaybejustalittle have a small internet addiction. Perhaps addiction is much too strong of a word to use, but I'd say compulsion is good. For instance, I will go on at night time and only intend to do a couple of things and then shut the computer down, and then, bam, an hour has passed and I have no clue what I've been doing! It makes my brain hurt. All that staring at the screen and just checking out of the present moment. When I first graduated from college I would do this all the time. It was also before I found mindfulness meditation and I was searching for any way to just escape from the reality of post-grad life. I would just be online for hourssss. It was horrible. It made me feel bad, and I know I was neglecting my relationship with Liz because of it. Perhaps it was an addiction then. Now it's an occasional compulsion.

Well, now that we have the terms all defined, I'll explain my plan. I'm going to set an alarm for 15 minutes if I want to go on the internet while at home, and when the alarm goes off I'm done. As my old boss used to say, "D-U-N, done." She had some really great expression...another favorite of mine was, "This is weather for ducks! I'm going home!"

I also want to spend more time reading and even watching movies. Neither of those activities make me feel as crazy as going online for too long. I was actually just reading The New Yorker, and Liz is keeping track of my internet time so I will be off this thing in 10 minutes!

A Sunday Saved

I had a really, really good acupuncture session today. I went in feeling pretty awful. It was rainy out, and I had been pretty cooped up inside all day. Now, I had gotten stuff done (load of laundry, cleaning, you know, Sunday stuff), but I was just feeling so blah. And Liz can't hang out. She's in med school. It's like they have a no hanging out rule. So I'm very, very glad I had this acupuncture appointment.

I got out of the house and did something constructive and felt oh so better afterward. Really, the best I've felt after acupuncture in a long while. And I still feel pretty, darn good! After acupuncture I decided I should stay out since it was working so well for me. I did a little xmas shopping and then went to the gym. When I got to the gym I realized that I didn't have my iPod since it was an unplanned visit so I decided to just do a mindfulness & movement session on the elliptical. It was really nice. I just focused on my breath. In fact, I feel like I'll probably do it pretty often. A lot of times listening to "work-out" music just makes my mind churn at super fast speeds. This is way odd, but I wouldn't mind downloading some jazz for the gym! haha

I think that in going off Zoloft and leaning more heavily on acupuncture & meditation, I'm learning to embrace and work with the aspects of my personality that tend to most annoy me. For instance, my anxiety--instead of seeing it as an enemy, I'm learning to view it as a part of me that I can befriend and work with. I now I understand that being naturally a more anxious person is something that can benefit me. It doesn't necessarily have to hold me back. For me my anxiety also goes hand-in-hand with being a very efficient, fast pace, no procrastination worker. I like all these things about myself. I think my anxiety becomes negative when I view it as such, when I get upset when I become overly anxious rather than take a deep breath and a good look at the situation.

Holiday Shopping

I think that step by step I am learning to be a-okay with no Zoloft. This hasn't been without its ups and downs, but I really feel that I've gotten a good grip on handling the downs--the ups are easy. The first couple of weeks completely without Zoloft I was definitely much snappier than usual. But I made a conscious decision to try to recognize when I felt upset/anxious/etc., and I really feel that it paid off as I haven't felt snappy at all lately.

Yesterday I walked into Center City to do some holiday shopping while Liz studied. At times I felt a little sad that I was shopping alone, but rather than feel sad about it, I decided to take deep breaths and embrace my current situation. I enjoyed the shopping that I did and then I took time to get a hot beverage at a coffee shop and read for as long as I felt like it. It was blissful--just what I needed. I felt 100% great after reading and a hot tea with steamed milk.

Taking time out during the busy hustle and bustle of the holiday shopping season also allowed me to be a better partner to Liz. After the coffee shop I was able to go to the grocery store and then head home to prepare food, all the while feeling present and un-anxious. I hadn't even meditated yet, and it was 6pm at that point. Usually if I haven't meditated by 6pm, I can feel the anxiety creeping up. I know it's time to sit. I think taking time to read is sometimes really meditative for me, though, so that could have played a big role in decreasing/keeping anxiety at bay.

Zoloft Update

So, I've been on 0 milligrams of Zoloft for 1.5 weeks now! I'm feeling pretty good. I think the biggest change I've seen is the level of patience I have. When I was taking Zoloft I pretty much had infinite patience. It was probably kind of ridiculous, actually. I am less patient now, but I feel like I'm working with that, and finding ways to get back to that ridiculous point of patience that I had before. What can I say, I enjoyed it.
Without the Zoloft I occasionally feel like I'm back to where I was before I took the Meditation Course. However, since I have meditation as a support system, I'm able to quickly come back to a point of patience and mindfulness through using my meditation practice. All in all, everything is going pretty well.

Of course, there were also times when I was taking Zoloft that I found my patience was pretty low. My wedding day comes to mind...Liz's mom's anxiety just about made me a nervous wreck (to be completely honest). Her anxiety also made me pretty anxious over Thanksgiving, which is fine. I understand that she can't help it, but it is triggering for me to be around someone who gets so anxious. I guess previously I just have assumed that the next time I see her she won't be anxious, but I think it's important for me to realize that there's a good probability that she will be, and I need to work with that. Half-way through spending Thanksgiving at their house I realized this and came up with a few things I could do to work with the situation, and it really did make the rest of the stay much better. I know that there's nothing I can do to change her anxiety, but I can change my reaction to it.

I have acupuncture tonight and I think that will be great, too. It was really fabulous last week. I talked with my acupuncturist, and we agreed it would be good for me to go back to two times a week while I'm getting used to no Zoloft. I'm still wanting to meditate twice a day, but so far it's just been happening once daily. I think I would probably see major improvements if I switched to twice a day.

In other news, my boss isn't here today, and it's pretty boring. I had a mandatory financial systems training this morning, which was actually really fun and informative. But there's only so much I can do when he's not here, and I have done it (and checked over it a few times!). Part of working that I may never get used to is just needing to be at work in case something comes up. Right now I'm here until 5 in case someone needs something, but I have gotten everything done and really can't do anything else without someone giving me another assignment. It's odd, but I am much more used to it now than I was when I first started working.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. Or as Liz and I have been referring to it: Slapsgiving. It's a "How I Met Your Mother" reference. That show is pretty damn amazing.

I'm Thankful for:
1. Liz
2. Dolce
3. Liz doing well in med school
4. My job
5. Our Cozy Apartment
6. Meditation, Yoga, Acupuncture

We've finished dinner and dessert and Liz is watching "Cars" with her sister and Dad. It's not my favorite movie so I'm online and blogging. I don't know where Liz's mom wandered off to, but it doesn't feel very Thanksgiving-ish. It also always is difficult for me to be around someone who is anxious, and Liz's mom has been very, very anxious today. There has been quite of bit of tense words about preparing the dinner and I feel like I've been kinda fighting off an anxiety attack all day today. I did yoga and meditated before lunch, but it only went so far on this high stress day. I guess I might meditate again before bed.

I think besides meditating I also need to breathe into my feelings and really feel what it is that's going on. I haven't felt like I've really had enough space to do that today, but now that the big meal is over with I can do it. I guess I also miss our little apartment and the quiet time I spend with Liz and Dolce snuggling on the couch and watching TV. There's also the fact that holidays are always difficult for me due to the fooooooooooood. There's just an extra emphasis on it, but it felt pretty okay this year. :)

Re-Cap of my First Week at Work

I can't believe I haven't posted since Tuesday. I've been pretty exhausted at night this week, though since it was my first week of my new job. And since I'm much busier than I was at VISTA, I can't really write posts at work. But the new job is good. I'm learning the ropes (quickly! but there are a lot of ropes to learn...). I must admit, I felt pretty overwhelmed and even anxious many times during the past week. The one thing that really got me through it was meditation and mindfulness--1. knowing I could come home and meditate or meditate before work to prepare for the day and 2. meditation and mindfulness in the form of making it a point to take deep breaths throughout the day and focus on being solely in the present.

I've also learned that there's a meditation room where I work (it's a large university) and it's open to staff! So, I think I'm definitely going to check that out during my lunch break on Monday, and I'm guessing it will become a regular thing for me.

I have a lot to say about cutting my Zoloft dose in half again, but I'm going to save that for the next post since it's 30 past noon, and Liz and I are both hungry. It's time for me to get in the kitchen!

Counting Calories

This is an amazing blog post about counting calories. It's definitely worth a read:

http://www.readbreathe.com/it-doesn%E2%80%99t-matter/comment-page-1/#comment-2347

I really enjoy the repetitiveness of "It doesn't matter." It's just so true. I'm pretty far along in my recovery, and sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I was so into losing more and more weight. I guess the fact that I even think this is a testament to how well I'm doing. I mean, when I really think about it I can remember exactly what I was thinking and why I was thinking it. Yikes. I am so, so grateful I'm not in that place anymore.

Realizing Me

I was going to go to free yoga at lululemon this morning, but I think I'm just gonna stay in my neighborhood and be lazy instead. Is this a good idea? I don't know. Am I just avoiding going out? I don't really think so. I think I can be satisfied doing some yoga at home and then (FINALLY) attacking the entire pile of laundry that's been amassing. I've been chipping it down little by little, but, as we share a washer and dryer with all the tenants in our house, I think it's best that I just head over to the laundromat after I do some yoga. I can read in between washing and drying. That's the best.

I also have acupuncture this afternoon, and if I don't skip lululemon yoga to do laundry, there's no chance it'll get done. I don't want to go to the laundromat super late on a Sunday night. And if I'm really honest with myself, I'll admit that there's probably no way I'll actually go late at night. It's just not my style.

Speaking of not my style, Liz and I went to a Halloween Party on Friday night. I found an amazing dress at the Goodwill! Red velvet, puffed at the shoulder long sleeves...and I was a zombie from the Victorian era. It was a fab costume. The party, however, was much less than fabulous. The group of friends I went with all realized that we were the youngest people there by quite a bit, and I realized that I.Am.Old. I am not into drinking glasses of vodka with a splash of juice. I'm just not, and it's fine that other people are into that, but it's just not me.

So that was a bit of a bummer, and it made me worry that I'm not good enough at making friends because I can't just mold myself to be whatever anyone else is at the current moment. After a bit of that, I realized that if I just keep checking in with myself and asking myself what I want I will be able to make friends that like the real, authentic me. One good thing did come out of going to the party, though: I got to see other friends who left with us because the party wasn't their cup of tea either, and it was good to catch up with them after the long work-week.

Some quotes that apply to this post:

"He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." -Raymond Hull

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." -e. e. cummings

...and my very favorite:

"Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, a loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness." -Shakti Gawain

Three Posts in One

I just called out sick from work. I've come down with yet another sinus infection; however, this has been the first in a while, which is a big improvement. You see, after I got very sick my freshman year of college (respiratory failure, coma for a month, etc.) I found that I got sick much, much easier than before. Namely, it's sinus infections, but I'm always just a tad concerned that they'll spread to my chest. So I'm home today, and this sickness is also why I haven't posted since Monday.

Also, the job I posted about earlier, the one I was sure I had gotten. Well, now I am not so sure. I received an email late last Friday night that said "We are very interested in having you join our team." Sounds good, no? Then I got another early this week saying that I, along with the other applicants, need to come by an sign my official application for the job. Other applicants? Does that mean I don't have the job? I am so confused! Beyond confused, really.

I've also realized that reading just a little bit of a spiritual book each day really helps with my anxiety. For instance, lately I've been picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle or "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das and have found it to be infinitely helpful. It's kinda like how all the very devout Evangelical Christians I grew up around would do daily Bible devotionals. Perhaps I've taken a page from them.

Racings Thoughts

I just got home from a quasi-stressful day. I didn't hear anything about "the" job, and work got really busy as the day was supposedly starting to wind down. A client came in at 4:45 instead of 4 for her appointment. And there's always so much paperwork! It really got my mind going fast.fast.fast, and it wouldn't stop. I walked home, and that just seemed to get it going faster. I think I missed my long bus & trolley commute/reading time! :)

So I came home a little grumpy, and immediately sat in my chair to go online. I almost just started to mindlessly surf the internet, which is not a good thing for me to do when I grumpy. Time and time again doing that has just proved to make me more anxious. Then, when I had the internet open and was already to make myself feel worse, I remembered Positive Pause. It's a great website that just slows things down for me when my mind is moving a little too fast for my liking. The website plays music, but since Liz was studying (anatomy...eww, gross and boring) I decided to listen to my iPod while watching it, and I have to say Bon Iver and Fleet Foxes is a great accompaniment.

What Will the Future Hold?

I had a job interview today because VISTA is winding down and I need to think of something to do when it's over. I'd like that specific something to be focused in the social services. I think the interview went pretty well. I have my fingers crossed super tight right now, so tight that they're maybe not even crossed. The Director is interviewing 3 other people, and I should know by Friday or Monday at the latest.

I've definitely noticed that I've had more anxiety today because of the interview. Having a job interview just causes me to always get a million times too excited about the future, to the point where I almost cannot focus on the present. In fact, after my first post-college job interview (2.5 years ago) my anxiety was so high that I felt like I could barely breathe. I definitely don't feel like that today, and right now I am so thankful for that.

Judging

Too often we cannot tell other people our innermost hopes and dreams. I think for me, and a lot of others, this creates a sense of alone-ness and anxiety that doesn't necessarily need to be there.

For the past year I have focused on fostering a community for myself where I can express me without fear of judgment. I've also focused on judging others less. Though I still fall prey to judging and worrying about being judged, I am better able to catch myself when these things start to happen. A year ago I also quit my job in lobbying to work in social services, a career where I am much more free to be me, and I am lucky in that I found a wonderful, fairly non judgmental organization.

Another big thing I did was distance myself from my parents judgments about me. I was not able to do this by distancing myself from my parents. For so long I tried to rid myself of how much their judgments bothered me by creating more and more actual, geographical distance between us. I was still miserable that they chose to judge me so often via the phone or email. When I was finally able to stop being bothered by their judgments, I was free. And I was not just free from their judgments, I was also free to stop judging them and appreciate them for what they are. I was able to respect their recommendations while acknowledging that even though they're my parents, they don't always know what's best for me.

I'll end with this quote from Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie:

"I was plunged into a green, glass-cloudy world filled with cutting edges, a world in which I could not longer tell the people who mattered most about the goings-on inside my head; green shards lacerated my hands as I entered the swirling universe in which I was doomed, until it was far too late, to be plagued by constant doubts about what I was for."

Stopping It Before It Starts

Since beginning to wean off Zoloft I've had some minor anxiety attacks. I say minor because I was able to calm down and get through them fairly quickly. I must admit, though, a few times I have definitely found myself thinking that it would be so much easier to just stop weaning off the Zoloft, to just keep taking 100 mg for the rest of my life. But then I do some breathing exercises and talk to Liz and take a walk and just keep gently encouraging myself to do things on my "has reduced your anxiety before" list, and so far it's worked.

I think a big part of my anxiety attacks stem from me overreacting and then just running with that overreaction. If I focus on staying in the present and paying attention to my actions, I find that I am much less likely to overreact and then, in turn, much less likely to get carried away on an anxiety attack.

I'll leave you with this story I found on the FML website. It's quite funny and shows how reacting before thinking is generally bad.

"Today, I was running late and realized I had locked my keys in my car. Frantic, I threw a rock through the drivers side window to retrieve them, just before noticing the passenger side door was unlocked. FML"