Working on Me to Work for You?

As a disclaimer, I wrote this on 12/22 and am just now posting it:

I am learning more and more how important it is for me to work hard at mindfulness, to continuously ask myself what will make me feel better. It not only serves me well, but it really serves those around me well too. Right now, this specifically means Liz. It seems so simple, but at the same time I suppose it is also rather counter-intuitive so perhaps that's why it took me so long to figure out.

But do not take my word for it. Try it for yourself. Do something because deep down you know that it is the best thing you can do for you in that moment and see where it takes you, see how it influences your actions with others.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.
Do not believe in traditions because they have
been handed down for many generations.
Do not believe in anything because it is spoken
and rumored by many.
Do not believe in anything simply because it is
found written in your religious books.
Do not believe in anything merely on the
authority of your teachers and elders.
But after observation and analysis, when you find
that anything agrees with reason, and is
conducive to the good and benefit of one and
all, then accept and live up to it.
-The Buddha

Learning to Work with Anger

I feel a million times better now. In fact, I pretty much felt that way as soon as I hit "publish" on last night's post. Before writing I did some reading from Pema Chodron on anger, and I think I felt better because writing the post allowed me to be really honest with myself.

Before writing the post I was, believe it or not, even more upset. I took thirty minutes to just lay down and think about why I was feeling angry. I would like to say I took the thirty minute break because I realized it would be a good thing to do. However, I did it because Liz needed the computer for school and I had to wait to write on my blog. I will give myself a little credit though. There are other distractions in the house. I could have watched TV or flipped through a magazine.

Haiku Tuesday

Tuesday Morning Haiku

Inside sad hardwood
Outside fresh air crisps my skin
I smile to myself

I miss my VISTAs. Don't get me wrong, I love my new job. But I really miss working with friends. Because we weren't paid by the organization we worked at, the VISTAs and I became actual friends, not work-friends. It was so awesome, and probably a completely unique experience. I should hopefully be getting to see some of them this weekend because another VISTA is running a marathon(!!!) and some of us are going to go to cheer him on. I'm psyched about that. You know you like people when you'll do something at 9AM on Sunday for them.

But back to my new job. I like it a lot. It's pretty amazing, and there are really nice people here. I just miss the VISTAs. I also realize that the VISTA work-environment is not a normal work environment. I mean, we watched The Office and Lost and gossiped and went on afternoon excursions to Goodwill. We also got a lot of work done, but, still...

It's now Tuesday afternoon. The sadness I felt this morning is far away.

I took my last Zoloft this morning. I'm kinda shocked. I could never have gotten to this point without meditation, Liz, acupuncture and Buddhism. My rocks? I think I also need to credit myself. I found things that worked for me and I stuck with them. Sometimes it was really hard to stick with meditation. I remember the first week of my Mindfulness Meditation class. I cried a lot. Before the meditation could work and begin calming me it made me very emotional. Keep in mind I was taking Zoloft that whole time, which brings up the point that I need to remember that when I was taking Zoloft I did not feel happy, happy, happy all of the time. There were peaks and valleys as wells as plains.

Tuesday Afternoon Haiku

Dripping through the day

Sun coffee, smiles, words, work, paper

They fade? Breathe to sunset.

Three Posts in One

I just called out sick from work. I've come down with yet another sinus infection; however, this has been the first in a while, which is a big improvement. You see, after I got very sick my freshman year of college (respiratory failure, coma for a month, etc.) I found that I got sick much, much easier than before. Namely, it's sinus infections, but I'm always just a tad concerned that they'll spread to my chest. So I'm home today, and this sickness is also why I haven't posted since Monday.

Also, the job I posted about earlier, the one I was sure I had gotten. Well, now I am not so sure. I received an email late last Friday night that said "We are very interested in having you join our team." Sounds good, no? Then I got another early this week saying that I, along with the other applicants, need to come by an sign my official application for the job. Other applicants? Does that mean I don't have the job? I am so confused! Beyond confused, really.

I've also realized that reading just a little bit of a spiritual book each day really helps with my anxiety. For instance, lately I've been picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle or "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das and have found it to be infinitely helpful. It's kinda like how all the very devout Evangelical Christians I grew up around would do daily Bible devotionals. Perhaps I've taken a page from them.

Somewhat New Beginnings

Oh the first post...so, I've just started tapering off Zoloft this week. For all of your who may not be aware, Zoloft is an SSRI that helps with anxiety, etc. For me it's helped greatly with anxiety and also obsession. I've been taking it since June/July of 2007. I can't recall the exact date.

Why am I going off of it since it's helped me so much? Good question! I would definitely say that the main answer is that my partner and I want to have kids in the not too terribly distant future and it's not advised that you take Zoloft while pregnant or breastfeeding. Another big reason is that I just am curious to see if I can manage my anxiety on my own.

I currently feel like I'm in a good position to try to stop taking Zoloft for a few reasons:

• I completed the Penn Program for Mindfulness in June, and it basically alleviated any of the anxiety that did not go away through using Zoloft alone.

• Then I began going to Philadelphia Community Acupuncture weekly. It's amazing and has helped with my anxiety also. It also makes me feel like I have an extra layer of support while trying to stop taking Zoloft.

• The Penn Program for Mindfulness also made me more aware of my own spirituality. While I was interested in Buddhism before I took the course, I have really been reading a lot of Buddhist literature since April. This has also helped me incredibly.

Plus I have my wonderful partner who has just started med school. I wasn't sure originally if de would be supportive or not since de's pretty "if Western medicine works, then why not use it," but de is always supportive of me and understanding of what I feel like I need to do. I'll leave you with a picture of us at our wedding this past summer.